I've been feeling really good lately. It was a rough winter for everyone, and I was pretty depressed for a while. But I had 3 separate sources in 3 days remind me of something I had somehow forgotten.

The past few years, I've been under the impression that I had 'recovered' from Seattle. I went out there with a newly found faith in the universe, but eventually lost it by holding too tightly onto something that I had thought was making me happy at the time. Time passed, debt accrued, friends clashed, and I was never to speak to one of my best friends again. In my time at MHz, I'd gotten over and understood the lessons of my experiences there. I had new problems and new lessons as time went on, but I only realized a few days ago the larger incarnation of what I had lost.

When I was in Florida and on the road to Seattle, everyone I talked to told me that they would love to jump in the van with me and just go, if it wasn't for ______. I always used to think that was funny, because I had let go of those thoughts and lived in the moment. At the time, I called it my absolute faith that, if I followed my path, everything would be taken care of. That was all the strength I needed for my journey, and I remember thinking that was the time I felt the most alive. I took a short vacation in Florida in October 2006, during which I traveled across state a few times and vowed to make no plans more than a day in advance. Now, I see that I had unknowingly stumbled back on my own ways, if only for a week.

Over time, my art became a crutch. Something I felt I had to do to get me out of the debt that school and pursuit of a job had gotten me into. As a recent post had said, I realized that this had killed my love of doing art for art's sake. But the one thing that still depressed me was the fact that I had a debt looming over and me that demanded heavy sacrifice every month. This was made heaver by fear of letting down my family and friends If i wasn't able to come through. It made me perpetually bitter and exhausted even though, as time went on, i was growing closer and closer to the 'old me'. The upbeat smartass who was amazed by life and wanted nothing more than to follow his path and grow as a person.

In the last few days, I've been reflecting on the last few years. MHz was and is a detour that has been more than worth the trip. Slowly and surely, I've been getting back the pieces of the puzzle that I'd lost, and more than a few new ones especially social elements. Most recently, I've remembered theres no point in stressing over the future. Of course do what you need to do, and take actions toward the directions you wish to go, but don't let what is around the corner jade you to what is here and now. Pay attention to the amazing things and people around you. "The cause of suffering is attachment or desire." said Buddha, and I can see so many examples of that in myself and others now.

I also realized that I had a worry-free attitude as far school and college when I was younger. I never understood why my classmates got so stressed out over tests. I would do a light review of the important material, and had the attitude "if i know it, i know it. Thats the point of a test." This is important because When I started following my path in Florida, I had a tendency to beat myself up about taking so long to figure such a thing out. Before that point I saw myself as a lazy, unmotivated, pathetic loser. Now I realize that I've always just been me, and I was just younger and less experienced back then. Before you can love others, you have to love yourself, and i think I'm finally starting to do that.

On another topic; at the beginning of the school year, I decided to start reading books at work during my break instead of just sitting there. a total of about 40 minutes of reading a day, optimally. Now that the school year is over, I thought back on all the books I'd read, and was surprised to see how many they were. here's the list, in order of most recent.

"The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman (3rd time)
"The Once and Future King" by T.H. White
"The Shift: A Revolution in Human Consciousness" by Owen Waters
"Scepticism, Inc." by Bo Fowler
"Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller
"Life of Pi" by Yann Martel
"Illusions" by Richard Bach (2nd time)
"Dune" by Frank Herbert
"Kafka" by R. Crumb
"Blankets" by Craig Thompson
"Carnet de Voyage" by Craig Thompson
"Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff (2nd time)
"Still Life with Woodpecker" by Tom Robbins
"Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams
"The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coehlo

I also read through old Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes archives between books, but I won't count those. I used to love reading when I was a kid, but high school kinda jaded me to that. It's nice to get back into doing something I used to love.


Commission Status: OPEN
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Pencil Sketches:
Bust: $8 - Full Body: $12 - Scene: $18
Pencil shaded:
Bust: $12 - Full Body: $18 - Scene: $25
Digitally Shaded/Colored:
Bust: $18 - Full Body: $25 - Scene $35


Currently Working On/Avoiding Completion of
-- CG Girl [link] - Animatiing